504 Foolin'

JT: You are an ignorant little puke.

 

JT: It's positive?

 

JT: Tobes, Liberty's pregnant.

 

Spinner: You are looking at Mr. Handsome, ages 4 to 6.

Darcy: What happened after 6?

Spinner: I got ugly, I guess.

 

 

505 Weddings, Parties, Anything

Joey: Who’s the man?

Craig: You are Joey.

Joey: That’s right.

 

Craig: It’s like someone up there wants us to play a wedding.

Marco: The God of Mediocrity?

Jimmy: Downtown Sasquatch, go forth and play the Chicken Dance.

 

Craig: We did some hard core funking.

 

Liberty: You could mangle your male parts in a tragic industrial accident.

 

Joey: I’m 34, Craig. What am I going to do with a 23 year old?

Craig: Do you need me to draw you a diagram?

 

Craig: Matter of fact, my other friend Manny joined us.

Marco: Cue the romantic train wreck.

 

Joey: So you guys remember that: No glove, no love.

Craig: Eww.

 

Craig: Why must they be so hot?

 

Craig: The monk is tired of the monastery, okay. The monastic life was not for him.

 

Manny: Did you just throw a drumstick at my head?!?!

 

Craig: What should I do?

Marco: Oh, well, I’m actually too busy not being you.

 

506 I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

Liberty: People believe what they want to believe, okay, and no one wants to believe that their student council president is in her third trimester.

 

JT: Danny, are you insane?

Danny: I’m not the one who missed the flying baby.

 

Danny: You’re in here every morning blowing chunks like it’s going out of style.

 

Ellie: Don’t you have to prepare? Get into your basketball zoney-zone?

 

Jimmy: It’s like I have a pen in my hand and everything goes “shhhh”. And then I can say everything I want to say, everything I need to say . . . right there on that piece of paper.

 

Jimmy: An artist. Does that sound like Jimmy Brooks to you?

Ellie: I don’t know. Does it?

 

Jimmy: You keep trying to bring this old Jimmy back. The star player. The athlete. That Jimmy is gone. That Jimmy got shot.

 

Mr. Brooks: Jimmy, you’re under a lot of pressure right now.

Jimmy: You think? And where’s that pressure coming from, Dad?

 

Jimmy: Dad, stop. This is my life, not yours.

 

 

507 - 508 Turned Out (I & II)

Ms. Suave: So, do you want me to refer you to an adoption agency or not?

JT: Yes.

Liberty: No.

Ms. Suave: Sounds like you have a problem.

 

Toby: Two jobs, school, pregnant ex. No wonder your brain’s flatulent.

 

Emma: I’d tell you guys to get a room, but you have a room, which also happens to be my room.

 

Emma: If you need a victim for your next sexploitation flick . . . keep looking.

 

Derek: These guys were telling me that your parents used to go to Degrassi. That’s pretty weird, eh.

Emma: It’s a magical story.

 

Liberty: Look, I love you JT, and whatever you wanna do, I’m fine with it.

JT: Let’s keep this baby.

 

Derek: Dude, until you have tasted fresh venison, you have not lived.

Emma: I’m a vegetarian.

 

JT: Let the days of sinful cohabitation begin.

 

Liberty: What’s the most important element of a relationship?

JT: I don’t know . . . . Love?

 

Liberty: Excuse me, sir, by whom must one become impregnated in order to receive some service?

 

Jay: And I just saved your butt. Or were you two guys gonna kiss? Not that it’s any of my business what team you play for.

 

Joey: He’s fast, he’s furious, he’s covered in Kevlar!

 

 

509 Tell It To My Heart

Marco: There’s no way I’m ever going to memorize these lines.

Craig: Relax, it’s not like you’re the star, or the school’s hopes to win this drama festival are riding on you . . . wait, you’re Hamlet; it is riding on you.

 

Marco: He’s okay, if you like that whole dark, mysterious thing.

Paige: Quel turn-off.

 

Peter: Perfect.

Emma: What are you, the Leaning Tower of Peter? It’s completely crooked.

Peter: I wasn’t talking about the poster.

 

Is it possible to quote Craig’s facial expression and movement in an attempt to kick the Tim-bashers' butts?

 

Tim: Thank you Marco. You’re like my Yoda.

Marco: Well, memorise lines we must. Angry Simpson will be.

 

Tim: So I just waltz up to my dad and say, “I’m gay,” and then what?

Marco: Well, okay, first he’ll lose it. He’ll get nasty and ugly, but, then in time, he’ll see it’s who you really are, and he’ll wake up one morning and say, “My son’s gay, and that’s alright.”

 

Tim: What do you think Marco, about acting?  About pretending to be someone you’re not.

Marco: I don’t know, bud, I guess you just gotta play the part as written.

 

Marco: Tim stayed over last night.

Paige: I hope you were safe.

 

Mr. Del Rossi: I do not want a queer under my roof.

Marco: What if you already have one?

 

Peter: I guess I just wish I could take you some place better. It’s just my dad practically uses this place as a storage locker. He threw me in here with everything else he doesn’t want.

 

Marco: I’m sorry, I have to do this. Dad, I’m gay.

Paige: Way to go Marco.

 

Mr. Del Rossi: But this part of you I don’t want to know about; I can’t know.

Marco: Then you don’t want to know me.

 

 

510 Redemption Song

Spinner (From CTV Promo): My best friend wants to party, my girlfriend wants to pray. How can I do both?

 

Spinner: You’re gonna wear a bikini to Friendship Club? You know you’re gonna give poor baby Jesus a heart attack.

 

Spinner: Yeah, but there are good people out there who don’t believe in Jesus, what, do they just go to hell?

 

Note from Darcy to Spinner: I believe in you.

 

Jimmy: Look, when I said you were dead to me, I meant forever. You don’t exist.

 

Spinner: If Jesus didn’t want us to have sex he’d make every girl look like Quasimodo’s sister.

 

Dude: Don’t you have anything you want to be forgiven for?

Spinner: No, not particularly.

Dude: What about your friend Jimmy? What about him?

 

Jay: Sweet mother Mary, who knew Christian girls could be so hot?

 

Hazel: How come nothing rhymes with orange? It’s such a lonely word.

 

Jay: Spinner, slow down, I was just about to redefine bible thumping.

 

Jimmy: Hazel, look, I love you, but Ellie, she, she inspires me.

 

 

511 - 512 Lexicon of Love (I & II)

Jay: You’re kidding me. The Queen of Degrassi is taking the Queen of the Trailer Park to the premiere?

Alex: I prefer to be known as the Queen of Don’t Need Jay. And never did.

 

Peter: Yeah, no talking, no touching, no looking at each other . . . I know the drill. But just being under the same roof as you tonight is gonna be enough for me.

 

Paige: Mr. Smith? Kevin? Kev!

Kevin Smith: As I live and breathe. . . Paige Michalton. How are you?

Paige: Uh . . Michalchuk.

Kevin Smith: Michalchuk. You know what, my bad. We just always called you the busted leg girl, so

Paige: Not anymore. These will be the least brokenest gams on your red carpet.

Kevin Smith: I’m sorry, did you just say gams? What 21^st Century teenager still uses the term “gams”?

Paige: Uh, the kind who needs one more ticket to the premiere tonight. Could you spare a teensy-weensy extra golden ticket, Mr. Smith? Please, for my friend?

Kevin Smith: God you’re working me hard, aren’t you? Just like a woman. You know what? I happen to have one of those teensy-weensy tickets right here and it could be yours . . . if you say “about”.

Paige: Mr. Smith.

Kevin Smith: C’mon, you know I love it. Let me hear it.

Paige: A boot.

Kevin Smith. Mmm . . . I melt. That’s just so cute. You earned this. Just don’t let me see this up on ebay or else I’m a cut you of the sequel too. . .

Paige: I can’t thank . . . too?

Kevin Smith: Umm, yeah, Paige . . uhhh. We had to trim your parts down a little bit so . . and when I say a little bit I mean completely.

Paige: Was I that bad? And unaware of my badness?

Kevin Smith: No, no, hun, you were great it’s just in the course of editing things hit the cutting room floor. You know when I was doing Jersey Girl I cut J.Lo out of half the movie. . . Affleck I wanted to cut him out entirely, but then that would’ve left just that little kid, you know?

Paige: I didn’t see Jersey Girl.

Kevin Smith: Really? Well now I’m really glad that I cut you out of my movie.

 

Jason Mewes: And you cut her out of the movie? Jackass.

 

Paige: Ew. V.I.P. does not stand for Vastly Icky Poser. What are you doing here?

 

Jay: Well, I saw your little girl on girl PDA. Is that why you dumped me?

Alex: Right, it had nothing to do with you hooking up with every skank in the ravine.

Jay: Ahh, and you’re trying to get back at me by hooking up with every skank here.

Alex: You do not call her that. Ever.

 

Kevin Smith: This is unbelievable! They’re upstaging us at our own premiere, these chicks. Why aren’t you and I out there doing some kind of erotically charged dance routine?

Jason Mewes: We can man, let’s do it!

Kevin Smith: That was a rhetorical question.

Jason Mewes: Dude, don’t call ‘em rhetorical. That’s mean. You’re rhetorical.

 

Emma: He’s married to my mother and he’s in the theatre necking with yours.

 

Jay: What makes you think tonight is about you, anyway?

Alex: It’s not. It’s about her.

 

Emma: So you stick your tongue down the principal’s throat by accident?

 

Emma: Just give me a reason dad, please!

Snake: Have you ever done something you weren’t supposed to with someone you weren’t supposed to be with?

 

Emma: It’s not about me. It’s about mom, and whether I’m gonna tell her what I saw.

 

Alex: You’re my lucky charm.

 

Paige: Nobody should have to deal with drama of the shoved-over-the-end-table variety day-in-day-out.

Alex: Even me?

Paige: Especially you.

 

Alex: Who’s the evil genius who made morning so friggin bright?

 

Ms. Hatzilakos: Good morning, Emma.

Emma: Don’t talk to me.

 

Paige: I have to laugh when I’m around you, I can’t really help it.

Alex: And I have to be better when I’m around you. I can’t help it either.

 

Paige: I do not like girls. I can not like girls.

 

Paige: Excuse me while I go flush my head down the toilet..

 

Jay: My life sucks, okay. I’m kicked out of school, Sean moved away, Spinner’s found the Lord, and the only person who ever really got me won’t even give me the time of day. I’m not perfect, I know that, but I get you, you know, the real you. Cause you and me, we’re the same, you know. Why do you wanna fight that?

 

Kevin Smith: Nobody’s even done a cheer in my honour before, so by default your cheer for me was about the best I’ve ever had. So thank you.

Paige: I was kinda distracted.

Kevin Smith: Distracted, huh? Let me guess: by some kind of acid-tongued raven-haired beauty from the wrong side of the tracks, maybe?

 

Kevin Smith: Let me ask you a question: you like this girl? Like, you know, like her, like her.

Paige: Yeah, I like her but, I’m not gay. My brother is gay, I’m straight. I always have been.

Kevin Smith: Your brother’s gay? My brother’s gay too. Even got married to a guy.

Paige: Really?

Kevin Smith: Yeah, it was the hottest wedding I’ve ever been to in my life. Really, really cool, hands down. Almost made me wanna switch teams. Almost. Look, I’m probably the last guy in the world who should be giving you advice on this very subject, but I don’t know, you guys seemed happy the other night, you know, and that’s kinda rare and whether it’s gay, straight, bi, whatever, it’s kinda worth investigating a little further, I’d say. Just my two cents. [Long pause] You’re just gonna stand there staring at me after I’ve dropped that wisdom on you? C’mon, that’s your move, go chase the girl silly!

 

Snake: What I did was horrible, but I would never had done it if there wasn’t something wrong with me. I’ve gotta figure that out.

 

Emma: Do you love my mother?

Snake: Of course.

Emma: And Jack?

Snake: Em, he’s my son

Emma: What about me?

Snake: You know I do.

Emma: So what’s to figure out?

 

Paige: I’ve been trying to work up the nerve to ring the doorbell.

Alex: We don’t have one. Welcome to my world.

Paige: Any room in it for a stupid girl?

Alex: Already have one of those.

Paige: Well how bout, room for someone who’s ready to stop worrying so much about what other people think,

Alex: Might be room for her.

Paige: Alex, I’m sorry about before. What I said.

Alex: Whatever, Paige, it’s cool.

Paige: No, it’s not. I said you were nothing to me, which is a total lie because right now, you’re pretty much everything.

 

513 Together Forever

Jimmy: So Ellie, you’re really taking next year off to follow Craig around or whatever?

 

Craig: My future’s music. I’m not going to give this up. Sorry, but this is the opportunity of a lifetime.

 

Craig: Leo, I’m kinda about the band.

Leo: This is different. See now, the band is about you.

 

Ellie: Chick On Sticks is gonna sell it from over here, yo.

 

Liberty: Toby, it’s time.

 

Craig: I’m not a solo act.

Ellie: But you could be.

 

Craig: Ellie, we were going to do this together: cut our own album, sold out shows, a Juno, a Grammy.

 

Craig: What about Manny, or Joey, or Angie?

Ellie: Don’t worry about them. They’ll manage. They’ll be fine.

Craig: What about you?

Ellie: I’ll wave goodbye, cause I have to.

 

Ellie: Craig, go to that club, and knock them dead. For all of us.

 

514 I Against I

Paige: Umm . . . Spinner? May I suggest Methodone to kick the Christian habit?

Spinner: It’s not a habit Paige. It’s for life, and beyond.

 

Manny: Male strippers, dropping it like it’s hot?

Emma: Okay, I think removing you from public is good for us all.

 

Marco: Hello, Catholic over here.

Ellie: Umm, Marco you’re gay.

Marco: And therefore I can’t be Christian?

Ellie: All I’m saying is: The Church . . . not too big on the gays.

Marco: Well, things are gonna change. It just, it takes time.

 

Marco: Craig’s in Vancouver pursuing fame and fortune, and I’m here . . . pursuing boredom.

 

Spinner: Does the gay superhero know you took his belt?

 

Darcy: I thought this club was about tolerance and respect.  What about love your neighbour as yourself?

 

Spinner: Condoms make kids have sex.

Marco: Oh, well, wow, that’s retarded.

 

Spinner: What you’re doing is immoral.

Marco: Who the hell are you to say that?

 

Spinner: So you want Marco giving out condoms?

Darcy: No, not really, but he has the right to.

 

Linus: You’re promoting promiscuity.

Alex: You’re promoting stupidity.

 

Linus: Why don’t you try going to church?

Marco: I do, every Sunday.

Linus: They let you in?

Marco: What’s that supposed to mean?

Linus: I think you know exactly what it means. The Bible’s clear about sexual deviancy.

Marco: Who is this bigoted freak?

Linus: So I’m a freak. It’s better than being a homo.

Spinner: Whoa, woah, guys, take it easy.

Marco: No Spinner, shut up, man. You and your friend just . . . go to hell.

Linus: So we can visit you, fag?

 

Marco: You really are lost, aren’t you?

Spinner: You have no idea.

 

515 - 516 Our Lips Are Sealed (I & II)

Manny: My thighs are an epidemic, and they're taking over the world.

Emma: We are going to take control. I am going to take control.

 

Manny: I’m not eating paper, no matter how many calories it burns.

 

Paige: Twigs and berries? You girls practicing to be on Survivor?

 

Emma: So how are things at Joey’s?

Snake: Good, okay, not too bad, terrible actually. I miss you guys.

 

Snake: Sitting here at this table, I realize that this is where I belong. I never should have left.

Spike: You didn’t leave, Snake, I kicked you out. Remember?

 

Spike: You had your say, and it involved another woman!

 

Emma: Desperate times call for desperate purging.

Manny: It’s not called purging, it’s called bulimia.

 

Emma: Hunger is a feeling, Manny, thin is a skill.

 

Snake: I was wearing a t-shirt on our wedding day, and I wanted to make sure I do this right. Spike, you are my everything, and if you let me come home, I’ll be worthy of you this time, because you deserve everything. You’re beautiful.

Spike: You hurt me.

Snake: I know.

Spike: No, you don’t really know. I loved you since I was 16. You were the one guy I thought was good. The one guy I was sure I could count on.

Snake: Count on me now. Because I love you, because I will never give up until you take me back. [she walks away] [singing] You ask me if I love you / And I choke on my reply / I’d rather hurt you honestly / Than mislead you with a lie / And sometimes when we touch / The honesty’s too much / And I have to close my eyes / And hide / I wanna hold y –

Spike: Okay! Two conditions

Snake: Done.

Spike: No kissing anyone but me ever again. And no singing, ever again.

 

Emma: I’m gross Manny. I look disgusting.

 

Emma: When did it all get so complicated?

Spike: Hey, Serious McMopey, do you know how boring life would be if it were simple?

 

Emma: I can’t believe you’d do this for me. It’s so . . . sexy.

Peter: Who knew potato salad was such an aphrodisiac?

 

Paige: Alex, you’re like the vinegary dressing on the dull salad of my life.

 

Hazel: Sorry, Alex, you have to actually participate to get in the Yearbook.

Alex: The Vicious Insult Club doesn’t count?

Hazel: What do you want?

Alex: I think we should hang out.

Hazel: Sarcasm Association . . . doesn’t get you into the Yearbook either.

 

Peter: But I like trailing behind you. That way I get to enjoy the view.

 

Manny: I just wanted to wish Peter good luck.

Peter: Thanks, I guess.

Manny: You’re gonna need it. Maybe you can keep track of whether or not she’s eating, cause I’m done.

 

Manny: I’ll talk to her mom.

Peter: No, we’ll talk to her mom. Hate me all you want, but Emma’s my girlfriend. You can’t stop me from helping her. Don’t even try.

 

Emma: You guys are all so perfect! You take advantage of drunk girls, you are the drunk girl, and last time I checked, you were making out with his mother!

 

Emma: You’re supposed to be my friend Manny! I can’t even trust you!

Manny: I am, that’s why I’m trying to help you!

 

Hazel: I shouldn’t have dived over the counter for that whipped cream canister.

Alex: And if those German tourists hadn’t gotten in the way!

 

Emma: I’m gonna try to beat this Manny. I’m gonna try to beat this.

 

517 Total Eclipse of the Heart

Marco: Dylan. How is the Satan Child anyway?

Ellie: Question: who’s still bitter over last year? Answer: Oh, Marco Del Rossi.

 

Marco: Paige, when I say Dylan broke my heart, I mean that he took it, froze it, he then dropped it from the CN Tower, and ripped it to shreds. Okay?

Paige: Okay. All I’m saying: if you’re so ready to move on, then why aren’t you doing it?

 

Dylan: I miss us. I miss you. You’re cute, you’re smart, and you’re funny. And I made a huge mistake.

Marco: Yeah, you did make a mistake Dylan: tonight, coming here. I’m with Tim now, he’s my boyfriend.

 

Marco: We are through! Over! So don’t send me stupid little e-mails.

Dylan: You came all the way to my place to tell me not to e-mail you?

Marco: Right.

Dylan: This is so not over. Not even close.

Marco: Why now?! Huh? What is with this stalker routine? What, you just happened to be home for the summer?

Dylan: You don’t get it, do you? I’m home for the summer because of you. I still love you Marco.

 

Danny: I appreciate you being the demon seed, and taking the heat off me, but I have a reputation to uphold.

 

:Liberty: To Albert Einstein [swigs whiskey}.

 

Dylan: Come on Marco, who you kidding? You’re always paying it safe. You’re way too chicken to gamble.

 

Liberty: My baby is gone. He’s gone across the country, and I abandoned him.

Derek: I never got to meet my birth mother. I’m not sure I ever will. She couldn’t take care of me, so she made sure I ended up with a family that could. I know it was hard for her to do.

Liberty: How do you know that’s what happened?

Derek: She told me. I mean, in a letter. She gave me a sort of treasure chest.

 

Dylan: You sure you want to do that, Del Rossi? Pretty reckless.

Marco: That’s what being reckless is all about, my friend. Just doing, not thinking. Hurting whoever you want in the process.

Dylan: What the hell is your problem? What do you want?

Marco: I want to know why you hurt me. How you could just hurt me like that Dylan!

Dylan: I . . . I don’t know. But I’ve apologized and I’ve tried to make things better. So I’m not just going to keep beating myself up just because you’re stuck.

Marco: Oh, I’m not stuck.

Dylan: You are. Date Tim, play it safe. Date a bunch of guys. But that doesn’t change the fact that everything comes down to you and me. Everything.

 

Tim: Go back to your stupid, lying, cheating ex. Because you know what Marco? You’re perfect for him.

 

Liberty: I want the baby to know he had lots of good people thinking of him.

 

Marco: Dylan, if you ever hurt me again, I –

Dylan: I won’t. Hey, even idiots grow up at some point. I’m a slob, okay, I’m reckless, and I’m your exact opposite. But you mean everything to me Marco, and I want another chance.

Marco: Oh, you are such a jerk.

Dylan: What? Mar -  [Marco kisses Dylan]